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I’m not Team Edwards. I’m not Team Jacob. I’m Team Blade, the vampire hunter.

The truth is I have read the Twilight Saga. All four books. Every time I would finish one, I would rush to get my hands on the next one to explore how far with this stupidity can an author go. Book one was – almost – cute. Book two was emo. Book three had no reason to exist. But book four was the epitome of  poorly written literature. It was what one could call “craptastic” thanks to the abysmal dialogues, the storyline that by no means could be considered a stylistically natural continuation of the previous book and the lack of consequences for everybody involved. I will not even start to discuss the excruciating bordom that would flow through my vains like prozac.

Whereas the first three books occasionally highlight the drawbacks of being a really, really, ridiculously good-looking sparkling vampire, the pretentious moral lesson is dropped in the fourth book. Our dear seemingly indifferent Mary Sue who, you know by the fact that she loooves her Withering Heights, hides inside those greasy T-shirts a sweet little Pollyanna. She marries the boy, looses her innocence on their honeymoon, has the baby, becomes a vampire and lives happily ever ever after drinking animal blood (truth be told though, the groom also becomes a man that night. Gender equality at its finest). Well, our little princess has it all: looks, a guy, immortality and a child, that, as it can be assumed, is essential for a woman to become complete. Even better: we already have a husband for that child, non other than Mr. Jacob himself. What a joy for a mother to know that her little bubble of joy will end up with a man that she has tried and approved!

The problem is that this wonderful fairytale, apart from being a really, really, ridiculously… ehm… ridiculous story also diminishes the actual point of the myth of the vampire: a vampire is a human that joins forces with the Devil to gain immortality. In the process though he looses his soul. He looses his freedom, as he cannot walk around this earth during the day. He stands aside as the people he loves die from old age or he is forced to walk away from them to conceal his true nature from the fearful human eyes. He is undead, but truly dead at heart: he lives among murders who depend on human blood to survive. Paradise has become forbidden territory and happiness depends solely on carnal pleasures. The vampire represents human fears and weaknesses at its finest. It represents the fear of loosing yourself, of loosing love, of loosing what could be described as the essence of human existence. It is also a realisation that every gift has a price that you will eventually pay. In our sinful, impoverished world nothing comes for free. Not youth, beauty or even food.

Wonderful Mrs. Swan can be as awkwardly perfect as she desires. Her faux-feminism of her character and the picture-perfect settings cannot hide the fact that she is the reincarnation of everything traditional society expected of women: early marriage, no degree, a good, handsome, rich husband, a child and evergreen good looks. This unemployed graduate will keep her degrees and wait for a man that will appreciate her for her brain and sense of humour, not for the taste of her blood.

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