The perpetrator who admitted the abuse but denied responsibility

He only hit her twice. That was one of the arguments of actor Dennis Waterman when he tried to explain himself after spontaneously admitting the domestic abuse that he evoked on his then wife Rula Lenska. However, physical abuse is never about the numbers and is never an isolated incident: it is the outcome of an unhealthy relationship between two people who fail to assess their relationship correctly and have personal issues which, for various reasons, fail to address.

The couple during their eleven-year marriage

Another interesting remark of the actor was that “The problem with strong, intelligent women is that they can argue, well. And if there is a time where you can’t get a word in … and I … I lashed out. I couldn’t end the argument.” He also claimed that “If a woman is a bit of a power freak and determined to put you down, and if you’re not bright enough to do it with words, it can happen.”

That clearly demonstrates Waterman’s incapacity to resolve conflict using intellectually powerful arguments (in contrast to physically mighty fists). It also goes on to prove that human weakness doesn’t lie only in their stature, but in their lack of ability to maintain compose when under pressure and preserve their values. However, if the person has drinking or other issues (as both people involved in this marriage have more or less confessed), it is more likely that they will loose control of their actions.

However, despite his acceptance of the events, Waterman remains oblivious of the true extent of his role. By claiming that “She certainly wasn’t a beaten wife, she was hit and that’s different”, he refuses to acknowledge his role as perpetrator. By maintaining that “it’s not difficult for a woman to make a man hit her” he undermines good men’s emotional investment in relationships and feelings of protection that they develop towards their partners (who, for them, are not just punching bags). He also attempts (intentionally or subconsciously) to justify his own actions, not only to the public, but to himself.

Victims of abuse are often in no position to defend themselves or walk away, due to social, financial or emotional reasons. An abusive situation may be the outcome of personal issues, it creates though more complications, due to the unhealthy environment that it creates for everyone involved. The situation is even more complex in societies where the social being is interwoven with private life and social respect and acceptance is strongly connected to family unity. However, private happiness does promote social harmony and development. Furthermore, just like their victims, perpetrators of violence need to seek help. It is the only way to bring dignity, respect and happiness into their lives and assist them in building a better future for themselves, accepting the impact of their action and breaking the circle of violence. Shaming should not be the only way to treat perpetrators, especially in societies that pride themselves of their reformative institutions.

Respect for a partner demonstrates respect for the relationship and encourages the reciprocation of that attitude. It creates a virtuous circle that brings meaning and quality to the relationship. On the contrary, abuse is an indicator of low self-esteem and the fear of ineptitude, which leads to an effort to keep the other person near by force. An abuser is an unhappy person who is in such emotional need to maintain control her life and the people that bring meaning to it. The problem is that respect can actually bring true happiness, but it is a lifestyle choice that includes risk and acceptance of the partner’s freedom of thought and individuality. Abuse, however, is a much more certain bet: it only brings shame to both parties and misery.

Rihanna & Chris Brown: The circle of abuse and the soap opera

Tags

Chris Brown, Domestic violence, Grammy Award, Hollywood, New York City, Rihanna, Robyn Rihanna Fenty, Twitter

Two days ago the release of two collaborations between Rihanna and Chris Brown (on the remixes of the former’s “Birthday Cake” and the latter’s “Turn Up the Music”) came as a “shock” or better, as the confirmation of a long-lasting rumour that the two former lovers have made up. According to this rumor, not only they had spent time together not only in the studio, but also in more private… spaces.

For those who are not aware of the artists’ background story, a photo can speak a thousand words (warning: the image is graphic). This is Rihanna three years ago, after being brutally attacked by her then-boyfriend Chris Brown during a fight. He was charged with assault and she was – justifiably – portrayed as the victim. They saw each other shortly after the event and tried to make things work, but Rihanna’s people most likely kept her away from him to protect her well-being and career.

This event has two sides. The first one is related to the complex issues that these people are facing as private human beings. The second one is connected to their roles as public figures.

On a private level, Chris Brown deserves to move on with his life. It would be inhumane to assume that anyone ever charged with abuse should be socially isolated and marginalised, if he has already paid for his actions. Chris Brown has in fact successfully completed his community service and anger management classes, as decided by the court. So, the juridical system, which is authorised with the enforcement of the rule of law and the social justice, has decided that this man has paid his dues and he is no longer a threat to society.

However, these events show a profound lack of self-awareness from his side. A person who as a child was the victim of abuse in the hands of his step-father has two choices, to break the circle of abuse or reinforce it. Chris Brown has already reinforced it by attacking Rihanna. It also is obvious that their relationship problems didn’t start that night. By re-approaching his victim, he only hurts himself and his understanding of the gravity of his past actions. He also positions himself for the second time in a situation that could trigger violence or otherwise unpleasant feelings. Rihanna, coming from a similar background, has similar choices: she can be victimised by situations over and over again or she can away and seek healthier relationships.

On a public level, the way the whole situation was played out for the world is disturbing and mildly disgusting. From the PR stunts and Rihanna’s tweets hinting on a “shocking collaboration” for the remix of “Birthday Cake”, to the song’s actual lyrics, this story is a marketing move to promote both their jobs, while not really taking into account the possible long-term effects on both artists’ brands. The song is clearly about sex – not even love – and the lyrics are not only explicit, but mix music fantasy with real-life events. “Girl I wanna f*** you right now/ been a long time/ I’ve been missing your body” raps Chris Brown and brings chills down the spine of all people over 18. Because, for the younger crowd, these are amazing news: in the naivety of their adolescence, they seem them as a Prince and a Princess that belong together and everyone standing between their re-union is a “hater”.

So, a matter that should have been dealt in the most private way, not only becomes part of a public soap opera, but it is actually instigated and promoted by its protagonists. It should also be taken into account that Rihanna has never said that she wants to stay away from him and he never publicly embraced the fact that he was the perpetrator, not the victim. This gives a very distorted image of how to handle domestic abuse, as it mixes it with sexual fantasies, music and a fairytale storyline (i.e. love conquers adversities). For those who have followed closely the events, these developments may drive them away from both artists, as their reunion brings back disturbing images.

Furthermore, it is doubtful that there is a racial factor attached to people’s negative feelings towards Chris Brown. The difference between his actions and the actions of other (white) Hollywood players is the publication of the consequences of his actions in the form of Rihanna’s bruised and humiliated face.

Should these people be “left alone” as many fans suggest? This is a though question, but it becomes simpler when taking into account that #ChrisBrownCanBeatMe was actually a trending topic on Twitter a few days ago. It could be argued that entertainers should not be role models. However, this is merely a suggestion that does not reflect reality and should not influence our judgment of such situations. Robyn Rihanna Fenty and Christopher Maurice Brown have the right to privacy. But their public personas, which are attached to the products they sell (CDs, concert tickets, perfumes etc.) are not. Their public actions should be judged in the same way that a new advertising campaign by Benetton is judged. And despite the love they receive from the industry, right now, this provocation is causing many people to feel disturbed rather than amused.

Patrons of creation, zelots of destruction

Tags

Ancient Greece, Athens, Attikon, European Union, financial crisis, Greece, Greek, riots, Sunday, Syntagma Square, Temple of Artemis

What is more shocking than seeing people burn things you love, it is hearing other people undermining the gravity of the action.

The celebrated Attikon cinema on fire

Last Sunday, during the protests, a group of individuals partially burned a very well-known cinema called Attikon housed a 19th century building. The event was heavily covered by the media. At the same time, many social-media users started wondering if the story is worth all this attention from the media, even mocking the importance of the event. The argument correctly suggests that burning buildings is not be the same as laying off people. However, it is also an abusive act that should be condemned. It is understood when people ask if the media pay excessive attention in covering such stories. What should be discussed, though, is what these buildings stand for.

The Greeks have a very twisted relationship with things that don’t belong to them. This relates to three issues intertwined with the Greek physic.

Firstly, the Greeks have developed an unhealthy relation with public property and common space. They do not understand that everything – everything! – from the street lamp to the buses are paid by them through their taxes. Destroying public property is like flushing money down the toilet. This can be easily observed if one goes to any university in Athens and witnesses the walls soiled by graffiti and the various equipments, from projectors to seats, either stolen, broken or locked in cages. The worse part is that this behaviour of a minority is tolerated by the majority, either due to indifference or fear, as there is minimum security within campuses. This issue roots on a discussion on how the liberalisation of society by the socialist party in the aftermath of the reconstruction of democracy in 1974 wasn’t followed by the required social maturity.

Secondly, they also have a problematic understanding of private properties accessible to the public (stores, malls etc.) Their hatred towards capitalism doesn’t allow the citizens to see buildings as functioning sites where employees go to work and people go to enjoy the services. When a bank is burnt, the company owing the branch won’t be really hurt, as all expenses are covered by the insurance policy. When the branch is burnt for the second, third, fourth time, then most likely is going to be shut down. Then the ones that are going to loose their jobs are the people working in the branch, if they are not transferred to another one which may be located far away. So, at the end of the day, burning buildings cause distress to other citizens that are trying to make an honest living, even if their work is capital investment. It also causes distress to clients that could have enjoyed the services offered by these companies and it is difficult to them to go to another branch or try another shop due to personal circumstances (family responsibilities, mobility issues etc.).

Thirdly, the introduction of capitalism to Greece – together with the political changes of the 1970s and 1980s – brought money and a new lifestyle that was more family-centric and individualist. As a consequence, people developed a tendency to care less about their co-citizens and more about the promotion of their individual interests. Therefore, burning a building is an accepted action, as one doesn’t know or doesn’t care to get to know the individuals owning the building or receiving services offered by the offices or stores housed there. In other words, what used to be a functioning space attached to a specific individual has now turned into an impersonal pile of bricks that stands as a symbol of an abstract idea (capitalism, suppression etc.). By attaching, however, a macroscopic meaning to a building, its microscopic significance is lost.

Furthermore, the blasé reaction of many members of the online community towards the burning of a historical art house cinema indicates that the Greeks do not perceive public spaces, such as cinemas or bookstores, as necessary for the intellectual stimulation and exchange of views of the population. This is highly problematic. One of the primary rights that people are trying to preserve in times of turmoil is the right to gathering. It is a fundamental right for the intellectual strengthening of the people and – especially in the pre-internet era – for the circulation of information. This may have changed for a majority due to the arrival of the internet, many though still use it to meet other individuals with similar interests and exchange views face-to-face in real-life time.

Therefore, it is my utmost belief that as important as it is to express outrage for the theft in a museum that preserves the land’s heritage, it is equally essential to stand against those who undermine spaces that contribute to the construction of its unique modern culture. Herostratus, seeking glory, burned down the Temple of Artemis in Ancient Greece. Destruction was his only way to have his name memorized by generations to come. The question is how the current Greek society wants to be remembered: as a creator or as a destroyer?

Of darkness and light

Tags

Alternate ending, Download, Gabriele Bonis, Games, Holiday, Holidays, MaTX, Miniclip, Opinions, Puzzle, Puzzle video game, valentines day, Video game, Video Games

Once in a while, technical knowledge meets creativity and sensitivity and together they create a beautiful piece of art.

It was early morning when I came across One and One Story, a puzzle game in MiniClip. Even though it looked like a Valentine’s Day postcard. Yet, I decided to give a go. And then I played again. And again. And again.

The goal of the game is not so much to attract the user by challenging his skills, but rather by intriguing his curiosity. It is a narration-based game, a structure that affects both the alternation of the levels and the visual and emotional pleasure acquired from playing it. The music also assists in the construction of an ethereal, fairy-tale atmosphere and complements wonderfully the story.

Its triumph lies on the combination of simplicity, aesthetic elegance and attention to details that allow the user to embark fully on an emotional journey together with the main figures, a man and a woman. The background is visually pleasing, with bold choices of colours, shapes that looked painted and the constant alternation between light and darkness. Every interaction of the black silhouettes, the man and the woman, is also inflicted by the narration: they may walk to each other or towards opposite directions. She may wait for him or take control of the situation. In every case, there is a common goal: to meet and be together. Evidently, the game is an allegory of the trials and tribulations of love and the need for both the man and the woman to put effort and faith into the relationship.

It is also worth passing all the levels, as the ending is disarmingly touching (hint: there is also an easter egg somewhere at the last level which offers a though-provoking alternative ending).

You can play the game here. You can learn more about the game’s designer and programmer here and the illustrator here.

The day of the red red (heart)

Tags

Cold Heart, doodle, Google, Holiday, Search Engines, Searching, Tony Bennett, Valentine, valentines day

Despite my desire to adopt a blasé attitude towards that day of the month, Google’s Valentine doodle melted my cold, cold heart.

At the end of the day, today you (or whoever) celebrate the fulfilment felt when sharing moments with the one you love.

I wish every couple to have a life as seemingly uneventful, but deeply meaningful and rich, as Ellie and Carl:

Happy VD 。

Night on Earth

A while ago I was asked to write the review for the beautiful new CD of a very famous Greek musician, Manolis Famellos.

One song that touched me from the start was “Night on Earth” (“Νύχτα στη Γη”). The singer describes a moonless night. People look small, vulnerable, scared, as the road to home is long and uncertain. However, surrendering oneself to sadness should not be a given. We should no just hold on, but to agree – no, to decide! – that periods of sorrow are only temporary. Happiness will come again. But until then, we cannot just accept sadness and wait for things to change. We should find the strength to overcome obstacles and seek happiness even during the darkest of the times.

It seems that fire, smoke and tears tend to wake up the romantic in each one of us.

In defence of Lana Del Rey

Tags

Adele, Blue Jeans, Born to Die, Google Images, Lady Gaga, Lana Del Rey, Madonna, Saturday Night Live, Taylor Swift, Vampire Weekend, Video game, YouTube

Lana del Rey is hated in a seemingly inexplicable level. Her lips, hair and persona have been criticised as fake. She is, according to her critics, an over-hyped and under-talented manufactured bimbo. However, is she more manufactured than Lady Gaga or Madonna?   It could argue that in order to answer this question, one has to define authenticity. Another approach though is to define the level of awareness that the audience has in relation to the barriers between the “real” person and the “constructed” artistic persona.

What most likely has made people develop a great dislike towards Lana Del Rey is their great marketing awareness that was unheard of a few years ago. In reality, they had the opportunity to follow her in ever step of her transformation. From the blond bob of Lizzy Grant A.K.A. Lana Del Rey (her first CD) to the pumped lips and the Born to Die era, all the evidence of her evolution is online for the internet community to see. Before YouTube and Google Images, her previous self would have been part of an archive of rare photos well hidden in the bottom of a draw. Not so anymore.

Today, the barriers that separated the then and the now are falling, shaking up the illusion of a constructed persona. This makes marketing and sustainable brand awareness harder. Lana cannot impose her nostalgia-full image when people know that she neither poor (as suggested in Blue Jeans)  or working class (as manifested by her rich entrepreneur father). And the case of Vampire Week manifests, what audience hates more than posers is rich hipster kids.

With the success of “Video Games”, Lana’s exposure became a double-edge sword: she was an overnight sensation, but drew as much criticism to herself, as praise. The abysmal Saturday Night Live performance didn’t help either. Nor did the comparison of the song “Video Games” with Eleni Vitali’s song “Dromoi Pou Agapisa” (which to my untrained music ears sounds like an exaggerated accusation).

Having listened to her album several times, I attest that it is a wonderful work of art that quickly sucks you into a fascinating world. It is tight, with interesting production and good choice of songs. Video Games is breathtaking. Blue Jeans is a sexy little Americana tune. Born to Die is a classic. Dark Paradise is hypnotic, especially the first two verses with the twisted, dark lyrics. Diet Mount Dew confirms what we had been suspecting all along: she is a sucker for passionate love stories with bad boys. Lolita is a cheerleader anthem. Lucky Ones has a heartbreaking sweetness to it. Million Dollar Man has Lana’s signature sexy vocals and broken hearts. This is What Makes Us Girls is a nostalgia-filled teenage drama. And it goes on.

It doesn’t really matter if Lana has a great vocal range. She can be sexy and playful, often to the verge of sounding like a sexpot. Yet she can deliver an old-school fragility and majestic romanticism. She sounds like a fun girlfriend – as long as you don’t break her heart, cause her broken-heart lyrics will not be as girly as Taylor Swift’s or as internalized as Adele’s. They are going to be dark, emotional and suicidal.

From an ontological perspective, Lana Del Rey is two people: the being that consists of her true identity (which could be named Lizzy Grant) and the persona of Lana which is constantly changing and evolving according to Lizzy’s desires and the audience’s interpretations. At the end of the day, Lizzy/Lana is just applying the branding rules and tries to associate herself with certain characteristics, in the same way that a company is associating their new shampoo with cleanliness and pleasant smell. She intends to profit from the capitalization of her name and control of the level of her exposure in order to protect her persona, maximize current value and establish the basis for longevity.

If her branding strategic is a hit, she shall wait and see. In the meantime, we shall enjoy the music.

A night to remember

Tags

Athens, Austerity, European Union, Greece, Hellenic Parliament, Lucas Papademos, Member of Parliament, Thessaloniki

The austerity plan was passed tonight. More than 40 MPs were automatically expelled by their parties for voting against it. 100,000 people protested peacefully in Athens and Thessaloniki. Historical buildings were burnt into ashes by vandals. 150 shops were plundered.

 It was a historic night which will never be forgotten.

(However, the future seems as obscure as before…)

Children killing children

Tags

Alyssa, Alyssa Bustamante, Elizabeth Olten, Missouri, Missouri State Highway Patrol, Murder, Prison, United States

She killed a 9-year-old and then wrote in her diary about it. She was 15.

There is something shocking, yet intriguing in the story of Alyssa Bustamante, now 18. Alyssa has been sentenced to life in prison with the possibility of parole. During the trial, she rose and apologised to the Elizabeth Olten’s family. The victim’s mother thinks Alyssa is a monster. Alyssa’s imprisoned father believes that she is the product of a broken home and a family history full of suicide attempts and substance abuse issues. In fact, shortly after Alyssa’s mother walked out on her in 2007, the teen attempted to commit suicide and was prescribed medication.

Elizabeth Olten

Are medicines enough to substitute for a loveless family life? Prozac, if her attorneys are to be trusted, certainly wasn’t. Shortly after increasing the dosage, she became uncontrollable. However, her decision to kill the young girl was not made in the heat of the moment. It was a carefully calculated decision. She even dug the graves a few days before and used her sister to lure Elizabeth to her death. Then she went home, wrote about the experience in her diary and went on with her life.

Alyssa Bustamante in court

Most likely, they young woman, who looks more like a little lost child herself, will spend many years in prison and will have plenty of time to think about her actions. However, it does make one wonder what she is supposed to be doing all day long in prison. She will receive food, medical care, education and access to a variety of services (maybe gym or other activities) which will be paid by the American people. At the same time, she will not be a fully functioning member of the society, which of course will minimize almost to zero her contribution to the common good during one of the most productive periods in a person’s life. While in prison, she will be deprived of all the experiences that allow youngsters to turn into sane and healthy adults. Therefore, eventually, there is a great possibility that she will never reach her potentials in terms of productivity and social contribution, but in the contrary, she will require government assistant for many years to come.

However, a viable alternative wouldn’t be the death penalty. It would be cruel in a very twisted way (and even a waste of money) to keep looking after an 18-year-old in order to execute her when she runs out of appeals. Nor is her being set free a better decision: she did commit a crime with full awareness of her actions. Indeed, she was actively seeking to experience committing a murder. There may be many ideas and projects that aima at alternative ways to pay one’s dues to society, which are even more relevant in this case due to the high rate of incarcerated people in the United States.

However, there will always be, whether we would like to admit it or not, the family’s need for some short of justice, which is culturally associated with time spent in prison. It is a social issue which may go against the creation of a cold, calculating social system, but does inspire trust to the government and the state mechanisms. Another not-so-rational factor that plays a major role in the rehabilitation of prisoners is the taboo associated with ex-cons, which has an impact on their professional development, social status and marital prospects. Many of these people are labelled broken and “unfixable” even before they go out to the world and try to prove that they have changed.

The question remains though if a country should move past the declaration that “all persons deprived of their liberty shall be treated with humanity and with respect for the inherent dignity of the human person” and seek alternative ways to develop the personalities and skills of the prisoners with the hope that one day they will be useful to society. It is not only a matter of morality, but also a matter of economics: decrease in the money spent by the government for support of the vulnerable and unemployed, increase of productivity and social harmony etc. It is also a question of motivation: the reform cannot be a question of money spent on fancy facilities, but should principally include ways to convince prisoners that there is a good enough reason for them to change.

In the meantime, Alyssa will go to prison. Elizabeth’s parents will feel a bit better. She may come out of prison as a change person. She may live a better life after this experience. Everybody may reach some short of happiness at the end. Or may be not.

The best . . . of all time (or are they?)

Tags

Arts, Backstreet Boys, best books, Book, Brain Pickings, Cinema of Africa, Paris, Shopping, United States

I remember the thrilling sensation that I was experiencing as a kid and as teenager every time a “best of…” show was coming on tv: best of 90s, best photos of the year, best of love songs or best movies of all times. It was probably due to the idea that I was exposed to the creme de la creme of cultural products, the epitome of taste, talent and success.

Of course, growing up it became apparent that the Backstreet Boys were not the best group ever and that the 90s was quite a diverse decade which could not be covered by an MTV half-hour. It also became apparent that the majority of these “products of excellence” were coming from the US. However, the lists were not solely consumed through media of US interests (such as the then free in Greece MTV Europe). They were constantly translated and reproduced by the local media.

This cultural trend persists today. An interesting list was posted recently on Brain Pickings presenting the best books of the 19th and 20th century, as well as the best authors. Ten out of the fourteen novelists were native English speakers. This realisation raises the question of demographics: who is the target audience? Then it is a question of the people who voted for it: do they routinely read foreign literature? From which countries? Do they read the original or a translation? Can they relate to the text? How old are they and how many books have they read in their lives?

Regardless of the answers to these questions, there are also other issues that occur. Such lists with the big, impressive titles and the generalisations position these authors, musicians etc. as admirable standards. However, it can be argued that the excellence of the artists is also associated with their ethnicity. It seems to be a very short and almost natural step to take. Therefore, the (Anglo-Saxon) West becomes a standard of excellence.

Humanities and social science education can often lead to a misleading understanding of the “common person” (if such thing exists) and her consuming media. To declare that everybody is the same would be an act of foolishness. However, alternative channels and “eccentric” tastes (anime, Middle Eastern music, African cinema) will remain for a long time exactly what they are – an alternative. Whenever they will come up to a regular discussion, they will take a “token” position, a reference that connotes the educative level and sophistication of the speaker. It is also interesting to notice how even educated and intelligent people complain about the lack of “quality cultural products” from their country and proudly attest themselves as followers of foreign bands or music trends.  Let’s not forget that every artist who has tried to cross the borders of his country and chase the dream of an international career needed to have his/her work translated. This goes well with authors, but most of the time it goes badly with musicians who try to sound less “ethnic” and more “mainstream” (American).

Therefore, what can be done to address what a good communist would call the “cultural imperialism of the West”? There are many government-funded  initiatives who support local production. However, what is lacking is not only quantity, but also quality and the interest of the people. Only sophistication and the nourishing of local talents who can produce truly original material and an avid  following that will embrace their work can guarantee an actual preservation of locality in a globalised world.

However, generic lists of excellence will never cease to appear here and there. At the end of the day they meet a very simple human need: the need to put everything into categories that he can control and use as a reference. They only thing that we could wish is for these categories to broader a bit and embrace exotic names and unique voices.